random thoughts – Day 1,339 – (Thursday) – food hug

It’s been a while (thank goodness), but today was a series of not much fun. Since lowering the daily bar for success to “tolerable” there have been many more days that receive passing marks. Today played limbo with that new low bar.

The ongoing delays in the projects on my work list were the foundation for the shit heap of stress and frustration. Even the things that had been running mostly on track were having hiccups and headaches.

Layered on top of that was the ticking bomb of the benefits open enrollment deadline. A tight timeline to sort through all the info, make decisions, and complete the mandatory electronic form was stressful. This morning, the second of two emails on the topic this week arrived with red, bold, underlined text that made my normally low blood pressure spike.

It wasn’t like I was ignoring the earlier messages and the looming deadline – the information session I signed up for wasn’t until this afternoon. Then when I tried to log in to make the choices, the system timed out because the confirmation text code to complete the log in wasn't arriving in time. Three times. It happens a lot with that system. I thought I might burst a blood vessel by that point.

While I was in the info session and then fighting with the stupid system, questions and issues were brewing on a project that is right up against a deadline. This day really needed to frigging calm down.

When there was finally a moment to check my cell which has the ringer turned off during work hours, it showed three missed calls. The list included the name of a classmate I haven’t spoken to in years, plus one that just said “Leominster,” and one from Mom. With the way the day had been going, panic hit hard and my mind went to some scary places because my family rarely calls during the work day and then it's usually because something bad happened. I was trying to not think about who might have become ill, gotten into an accident, or died. 

It required a couple rounds of slow, deep breaths before I could listen to the voice mails. There were two new voice mail messages but not from the classmate or Mom. 

The first message was from someone with a British accent who was looking for “Nancy” and left a full two-minute-long voice mail about direct mail and Nancy’s management role in a credit union and blah blah blah. Dude. A two-minute voice mail? And not even for me?

The other message was from the oral surgeon my dentist sent a referral to yesterday and now I have a consultation to try to not worry about for the next couple weeks. Yay. When I talked with Mom, nobody was ill, maimed, or dead, so that was a relief.

Food hug.

The best part of today, like so many days before today, was supper. Part of Wednesday’s roasted chicken was added to sautéed mushrooms and onion, black beans, roasted broccoli, hot salsa, and queso. There were corn chips. It was all very warm and textural and satisfying. The food hug from inside saved the day. 

I felt a little bit bad about not going to the gym to blow off steam (again), but I got over it. Instead, it was cooking and eating. It feels a bit pathetic, but that is life. Mine anyway, in this very alone version with no pets or close people. There could be worse/more harmful things than food and there is solace in that. Or maybe it's smug, judgemental self-righteousness.

I just kind of wish I'd retreat back into a fitness obsession like in the past when I dealt with aggravation and stress through aerobics, kickboxing, biking, or roller derby. But for now, it's food.