random thoughts – Day 2,189 (Sunday) – practical worry

Elevator gap - source
of anxiety.

For nine years working at the bank, I worked on an upper-level floor. The first office  location for my team was on the second floor, then a couple years later we moved to the fourth floor of a different building across the parking lot. Sometimes I took the stairs to and from the office, but more often, I took the elevator. Every time I took an elevator in one of our several campus buildings and especially when leaving the fourth-floor office space at the end of the day, I felt a twinge of panic. It wasn’t a fear that the elevator would careen out of control and crash in the basement level like in an action movie. It was something more realistic.

My ongoing and regular fear was that I would drop my keys and they would fall into the door gap between the elevator box and the outer area and plummet to the basement, rendering me unable to start my car and drive to the home I would not be able to enter. 

I have a tendency to invest my worry efforts in things that have a chance of actually happening, so it’s much more likely I will lose sleep with worry of dropping my keys in an elevator gap than of me being swept away in a tornado.

House gap - new
source of worry.

This morning, while preparing for departure for dance class and locking the back door to the house, I dropped my keys. They bounced on the concrete landing outside the door and landed near the edge of the top step. While retrieving them, I noticed the gap between the concrete staircase and the skirting wall that encloses the crawlspace under the house. It’s not a wide gap, but it's probably wide enough and the skirting material is flexible. The gap, plus the flexible material might be sufficient for my keys to fall into and would probably be difficult to extract, especially when I'm using the spare ring with just the house and mailbox key. 

And just like that, I have a fresh new thing that could actually happen to worry about on a regular and ongoing basis. Oh, joy.

random thoughts – Day 2,188 (Saturday) – corned beef and devil dogs

The weather mood swings continue. There was fresh snow on the lawn and the bushes this morning when I hauled myself out of bed. During the course of the morning, it was cloudy, it snowed again at varying intensities, and it rained frozen ice pellets. Then the sun came out.

Irish at the British.

There was a plan to meet my sister and her husband, and Mom and StepDad at the British American Club for their annual corned beef and cabbage Irish dinner. The food was good, the tables were decorated with little pots of fake clover and green and white carnations, and at times the music was just too loud to talk, but then the volume was adjusted and it was good.

It was an afternoon at a table with family and friends talking about a variety of topics including scammers and fraud protection, crazy stories from my sister's job at a credit union, and electric utility costs. The elders left before we got to the good stuff  like stalkers, stupid songs we had to sing in elementary school (“Get Along Home Cindy, Cindy, I’ll marry you some day” still randomly invades my brain and hangs out for too long), updates on pets, and hated adult chores like grocery shopping and daily cooking. We laughed over our childhood family car trips from Massachusetts to Fort Worth, Texas and Lantana, Florida in the summer heat with no A/C. We tallied up who fainted at which vacation spot (Sis was Disney World, I was Six Flags over Texas and West Point). The usual. It was fun.

On the way home, I stopped at Dollar General. There was no particular reason other than when I am near the place I go in. Then, while walking around it seemed I should have a reason to be there. After roaming the entire store, I ended up buying a new hand soap for the kitchen and Devil Dogs that were on special two boxes for $5. I was more of a Ring Ding fan as a kid and my brother liked Devil Dogs. I thought about him when I bought them. Really, I bought them because of him. It will be five years this summer since he removed himself from this world and some days the hole feels bigger than other days. Today, I tried to feed the hole in my heart with a mass-produced snack my brother liked. 

Devil Dogs.

The “Mochaccino” Devil Dog flavor is an update for the modern palate and it’s pretty good. I still think Ring Dings are better conceptually because they are covered in chocolate, but now that Ring Dings aren’t wrapped in foil anymore, they have lost a bit of their flavor edge. Maybe tomorrow I’ll dip some Devil Dogs in chocolate and see how those are. It would involve chocolate, so it won't be awful.

random thoughts – Day 2,187 (Friday) – ruins

Roman ruins, March 2023.

Three years ago on this date (March 13), four friends and I were in Rome. Usually, we traveled together to resort hotels on beaches with buffets, restaurants, beverage plans, and waiters who delivered to the chaise lounges on the beach. In Rome, we stayed in a lovely hotel located a short walk from Trevi Fountain. The Coliseum was down the street. Ruins were everywhere, nestled between buildings. 

We walked for hours every day, exploring the city’s ruins, museums, churches, cafes, and restaurants. We took day trips to Pompeii and Tivoli and learned that hotel-booked tours pick you up at your hotel and bring you to the site, but they don’t necessarily bring you back where they picked you up (or at all). We drank coffee, Aperol Spritzes, and lovely wines and ate pizza, fresh pasta, pastries and gelato. There were grotto restaurants and sidewalk cafes. The hotel breakfast area had a view of the nearby rooftops. It was wonderful.

What a difference three years makes. Back then, I had a decent amount of vacation time and a decent salary that led me to the strategic decision to to endure a dead-end job for several more years because retirement age was creeping closer and starting over somewhere else would likely mean less vacation time. Then, last year, the merger swooped in and snatched away the job I was willing to tolerate. And nine months after the layoff, I’m still trying to start over and find another job in a market crowded with new graduates and hundreds of other experienced, laid off professionals. Advertised roles with my former job title include the responsibilities handled by three or four people on my old team and pay half the salary. Breaking into a new area seems even more impossible.

At Trevi Fountain, March 2023.

The stress of the past year has loomed large and overshadowed any fun stuff. Luckily, I have photos to prove to myself I used to be a visible, productive member of society who sometimes traveled instead of the feral remnant of that person who now looks for a job, tries to not spend money, and sometimes gets stuck dwelling on the ruins of a former life. 

Maybe I need to return to Trevi Fountain and make a better wish. I’m pretty sure in 2023 I wished for dumb shit like romance and happiness (and that hasn't worked out), but maybe I should have wished for financial stability and a job that lasted until full retirement age. Live and learn.

random thoughts – Day 2,186 (Thursday) – progress

Receding snowline.

It wasn’t as warm today as recent days, but it was still above freezing and the snow continued to melt. Behind my house, the snow on the small hill is receding like a middle-aged hairline and is free of snow at the top. 

Even with all the snowfall this year, it looks like it will be drought conditions again this spring/summer. I read an article recently that said the groundwater table is reported to still be low and it has to do with the speed of the snow melting and running off the ground instead of melting into the ground. Or something like that. I'm not exactly a scientist or an environmentalist and sometimes I half-read articles and learn just enough to be dangerous. I guess I won't be launching my home car wash or laundry service this year, either. Phew.

I managed to miss out on engaging with nature during the past two warm, springlike days. I was shopping and lunching one day, and stress sweating in a dentist chair for a chunk of the next day. Today, in weather that was 30 degrees cooler than a few days ago, I walked to get the mail. It’s the second time I have walked to the mailbox since last fall (but who is counting?). 

The snowbanks have melted back, the street is its full width again, and it wasn’t wet or windy or sub-zero temperatures, so I laced up my sneakers, put on a coat, hat, and gloves, and walked. My neck was cold because I recklessly thought I wouldn’t need a scarf, and that made me walk quickly so I could get back to the warmth of the house.

The only mail today was the replacement sunglass clip ordered from the company I bought glasses from a few years ago. I lost the original sunglass clip a year ago, and despite my fantasies of finding it under the seat in my car or in a tote bag or a coat pocket, it hasn’t turned up. Every sunny day I would mourn the loss of the clip on shades and I finally caved and ordered a new one. This means I'll probably find the old one any second now.

Working on the 4" x 4" canvas.

And after a month of overthinking, procrastinating, and searching through images, yesterday I finally started my 4” by 4” canvas for the art auction at The Brush Gallery in a couple weeks. The outside edges of the canvas were painted black. Today, the final selection of the photo for the front was made. Even though the photo had originally been printed at the correct size, it was a smidge longer on one edge and required trimming of about 1/32 of an inch which I labored over for far too long.  Apparently, I like to torture myself with such details and knew I wouldn't sleep for a week if I didn't trim it. Now it just needs three or four coats of Mod Podge to seal it all and I can deliver it next week.

random thoughts – Day 2,185 (Wednesday) – teeth and mood

After waking up with some coffee and Wordle, at 10:00 this morning I called the dentist. The temporary crown that broke off Tuesday night while eating cheese had not miraculously regenerated overnight to be whole again. The best case scenario I hoped for was that the permanent crown, ordered last week and scheduled for delivery next week, had already come in from the lab. The December crown had arrived from the lab in a week, so I knew it wasn’t totally unreasonable.

Luck was with me, the crown was in, and I was booked for a 12:00 appointment. Sometimes when things in my world go sideways, they at least have the decency to have favorable timing. At departure time, a paperback book went into my bag in case there was a wait, and I hit the road.

I was barely one page into my book when the dental assistant called my name. There were x-rays, poking, prodding, and the removal of the remainder of the temporary crown. My gums were poked, prodded, and pushed up to accommodate the margins of the crown. The new crown was ready to go in. There were several attempts, a lot of fussing and minor drilling. It didn’t fit. The scanner wand, which is too big for my mouth, was stuffed in there anyway for more 3D images. My jaw ached.

In the end, a new temporary crown was installed. A new permanent crown was ordered. It was another two-hour episode in the dental chair before I was released. I felt like I’d been punched in the head and dragged behind a truck. My dental misadventures are starting to feel like a boring mini-series.

From the dentist I went to my favorite gas station to top off the tank, where the gas that was $2.999 last Wednesday was $3.199 today. Then I headed home. I was hungry and my stomach was rumbling. A Friendly Fribble seemed like just the thing to soothe my mouth and fill my stomach so I stopped at Friendly’s and got one.

The dental appointment was draining. My gums ached and throbbed. I felt cold and sat on the couch like a potato for most of the afternoon, still in my outdoor jacket. By suppertime, I perked up a bit and took off the jacket. An Aldi store brand frozen pizza was heated. It was hard to eat on one side of my mouth, but I wasn’t risking offending the already abused other side of my mouth with crunchy edges. It’s finally starting to feel better than earlier today. Tomorrow it will feel better.

Snow melting.

The recent warm temperatures have been appreciated. It was 66 degrees on Tuesday, and 56 degrees today. It has led to some snowmelt in the back yard, with patches of earth and rocks showing. Seeing the fallen leaves and the rocks lightened my mood.  Next up in the mood improving department is the the Love is Blind: Ohio season reunion on Netflix. Every little bit helps.

random thoughts – Day 2,184 (Tuesday) – sunshine and monkey wrench

It was a pleasant day with a cloud-free blue sky, sunshine, and warm temperatures. The best part might have been not hearing the furnace kick on a million times. 

New books!

Another bright spot was spending time with Mom and Sis. We went to Dollar Tree, where we each stocked up on greeting cards among other budget friendly items like toilet paper, paper towels and aluminum foil. I overshot my shopping list when I hit the aisle with books for $1.50. I got four books including one by Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles, and a cookbook I chose when I flipped through it and saw the recipe for Shredded Cabbage Fritters.

After Dollar Tree we went real old school and went to Friendly’s for lunch. Yes, Gardner still has a Friendly’s. It has been decades since the last time I was in a Friendly’s. We each got a Fishamajig®, and it is still delicious. The accompanying fries were the perfect level of crispness. The Happy Ending Sundaes had creamy ice cream and hot fudge. I hope it’s not a million years before I go there again.

Tuesday's dance space.

Dance group was productive. We meet in a space in a church, with a decent wood floor and a stage. Tonight we worked on four group dances for our June show which is in the same space we practice in. The dances are coming along nicely. To make up for the bad weather cancellation last week we went a half-hour longer tonight and will do so again next week.

Overall, it was a great day, at least until a monkey wrench was tossed into the works. I decided to have some provolone cheese for an evening snack, and wouldn’t you know it, the temporary crown that required 2.5 hours in the dentist chair last Wednesday broke. On cheese. What. The. Heck. What remains is jagged and feels gross. The permanent crown is supposed to be done next Wednesday. I guess I’ll be calling the dentist in the morning.

random thoughts – Day 2,183 (Monday) – another OCD day

Tarnished.

Another day, another variety of activities and annoyances. At 8:30 this morning, there was a call from an 800-number that has called several times in recent weeks, with no messages left. Curious, I answered, and it was someone claiming to be from Comcast/Xfinity. From the start it felt scammy. First, there was dead air when I answered the phone and it took a few seconds before there was a click and then a voice on the line. The caller, in a heavily accented voice, said they had been notified of a security alert with my internet connection. They asked if I was at home.

It felt shady and I responded that the call felt like a scam and I was hanging up. I checked the phone number online and it’s been frequently reported over several years as a scam that spoofs a Comcast 800-number and attempts to get banking info. I knew it felt off. Maybe I should have stayed on the line and consumed the scammer's time to allow less time for calling other people. Maybe next time I'll think of it.

Cleaned up and shiny.

Much of the day was spent cleaning and mending the second coin belt. This one went a couple hours faster than Sunday’s coin belt marathon cleaning project because this belt had fewer coins in the larger size, and is made entirely of metal parts with no beads that needed to be avoided. 

The coins were quite tarnished and my hands were black with grime until it occurred to me to wear gloves, which I bought for doing tie-dying. Duh. This would have saved my poor fingers yesterday. The second belt now looks shiny and new. Once I get some jump rings and another OCD episode I will clean up and mend the remaining belt.

It was warm today, but my only encounter with the great outdoors was when I rolled the trash bin to the curb and then took it back up the driveway a couple hours later. There were birds singing their little hearts out this morning in the bushes out front and it was nice to hear them. It will be nice when spring settles in.