random truths – Day 1,066 (Thursday) – reckless sweating

It’s been 48 hours since the ThredUp online coat buying spree. The coats haven’t even arrived yet, and the buyer’s remorse is already kicking in.

Why did I buy these? (They were on a big sale!). Where will I put them? (Get rid of the not-so favorite coats?) Why am I freaking out over spending $32 online? (Might be genetic.) 

Most of the time I am pretty conservative with money. Some may call it sensible. One ex called it “frugal.” It might be lingering fallout from growing up hearing “we can’t afford it,” then becoming an independent adult with bills and discovering that “can’t afford it” wasn’t just my parents making up a fancy new way to say “no.”

There is a pattern where, after some period of being hyper mindful of pinching every penny, I suddenly start spending it like I’m someone with the last name of Hilton, Bezos, or Musk. Well, it’s usually at a thrift store or a major clearance sale, so maybe it’s not like a wealthy person at all.

In one unusual week, there were two trips to Kohl’s and an online purchase. The total expenditure was only $100, which is less than I used to spend every Friday night for my share of a restaurant and bar tab. And yet, it suddenly feels a little reckless.

I probably need to stop sweating the small stuff. Of course, focusing on the small and stupid stuff keeps my mind off the really big stuff like train wrecks with toxic air, spy balloons, mass shootings, and all the other doom and gloom and weirdness in the news. Maybe it’s not so bad obsessing over spending $32 or $100 after all.