“Remoted – Hybrid” – Day 856 (Tuesday) – birthday thoughts

We were really young once, but
I've always been 11 months older.

It’s my brother’s birthday today. We were born 11 months apart, so when we were young, we shared a party some time in July or August, often at Mummu’s small apartment with Mom’s side of the family and cake and ice cream and rarely, a group photo of all the kids. 

As we got older, John would begin on July 12 with the taunt that would last for one month – that we were now the same age and I was currently not older than him. My power as “the oldest” was erased, and it was the only power I had, so it hurt. It continued until my birthday, year after year, for as long as it bothered me, which was most of my youth, when I wanted full credit for blazing trails and training our parents so the younger two could have it easier. Every firstborn knows what I mean.

Later in life, John, Sis and I made a deal to hold the line on aging. I would stay forever age 30, John would remain 29, and Sis would hold at 25. It was one of our better agreements and held for decades until the age on our faces made us all clearly liars.

Grown up John.

It’s John’s first birthday since he took himself out of the game of life and I didn’t know how I’d handle it. I scheduled vacation days for yesterday and today to avoid a possible meltdown at work. The last thing I wanted to be dealing with was crying at my desk. At least there is some privacy when it happens while driving or at home.

It was decided to stay home and have a quiet day. There were random tears, but that has been the case most days for the past 11 months since John left us. It doesn’t take much for them to sneak up. They are sparked by a song, photo, random memory, or just the brother-shaped hole in my heart.

The last time I spoke with John was exactly one year ago when I called to wish him a happy birthday and catch up on our lives. He lived at the Cape and had spent the day out on his friend’s boat fishing. He was driving home and sounded really happy. He joked that he never thought he’d make it to be this old and that his neck, back, and knees hurt, which was funny because I almost sent him a card saying exactly that, but had sent a different one instead. 

Because he was driving, we kept the call short and promised to catch up soon. At the very least, if our lives were busy, I knew we'd chat again in a month on my birthday. It didn’t happen, but I’m glad the last chat we had was fun. A few weeks later he was gone.