“Remoted” – Day 463 (Tuesday)

Last night, after returning home with my ailing bestie Moose, there wasn’t much time before it was bedtime. During the night, I awoke a couple times. The first time was at 12:40 am, which is the second night waking at that exact time. Weird. The second time was at 3:00 when Winston gently “oofed” me awake with his very polite and gentlemanly whisper bark. 

Moose and the
magic carpet bed.

Winston was carried downstairs to go outside, then carried back up, which is faster and safer than him sniffing his way and bumping into things with his recent vision loss. Moose stood at the top of the stairs, surveyed the descent, and retreated to the bedroom, where I finally coaxed him back into his bed and folding the sides up like a taco shell for conveyance down the stairs. The bed works great as a carrier. He went outside under his own power, had a drink of water, and was carried back upstairs in the bed/magic carpet. The middle of the night stair climbing and weightlifting workouts are a nice bonus.

It seemed the dogs went right back to sleep, but not me. I lay awake, listening to Moose’s every breath. There was a lot of shallow panting that alternated with something like snoring. He’s always been a loud breather and snored, but now I’m on heightened alert. By 4:00 am I was still listening to his labored breathing, tears streaming down my face, and pondering the inevitable. 

I finally got out of bed to lay on the floor with Moose. Winston was nearby, within reach, so it was almost a doggy cuddle puddle with the three of us on the floor. There was a waterfall of tears that may have spilled out. Every breath Moose took was audible. When Winston inhales, his chest quietly expands, which seems to be the correct form. At 5:00, the idea of sleeping was abandoned and we got up.

I was attuned to Moose and his breathing patterns all day. It's possible I was also holding my breath all day. Once we were up for the day, his breathing was quieter. An email was sent to his regular doctor at the vet office, asking if she could look at the file for yesterday’s visit. I don’t want him to suffer, nor do I want to subject him to tests for the sake of it. In the meantime, I’m trying to mentally prepare for what is ahead. It may soon be time to say goodbye.